In the latest in our “What yoga props mean to me” series yoga teacher Ennette Lainchbury takes to the floor
An Invisible God and Me
“In that private moment on my mat that day, it was as if I was held by God himself. Invisible God, somehow physically present with me. Cheek to chest, belly to belly. My yoga props have never been the same to me ever since.”
How did we end up there? Well… I carry in me in the faith of my mother and maternal grandmother. It is sewn into the sinew of very fibre and muscle in my being. I can no more deny my belief in God, than I can, the melanin that dips my skin in chocolate gold; or the afro kinky hair that makes me: me (and yet frustrates me to no end with its thick and wild texture).
My faith in God is the filter with which I see and process life. Like an old childhood soft toy that you’re slightly embarrassed to still have (and desperately need) and yet couldn’t imagine your bedroom without. Faith comes as naturally to me as breathing.
But religion for lack of a better word can often be, a prickly sore subject and something deeply personal. How to even begin to put to words what faith means to me or you?….
We could make a pact you and I. For just this little moment of time between us, we could do away with the politics of it all, put the hate and misuse to one side and we could just stick to one of the most commonly agreed upon definitions: God is love. Although another big and messy word there, ‘love’. Again just between me and you and this blog post we can choose to believe those oft used words, we know by heart but don’t know why. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.
These two definitions taken from well known scripture are the most known and quoted bible verses of all time. So here we are, so you can understand what yoga props mean to me, we shall condense the ineffable enormity of God into that those two concepts.
And in the solution lies the question: but what does any of this have to do with yoga props and what they mean to me?
As difficult and intangible as it is to define such mysterious concepts; it’s even harder to feel or conceptualise them. Even with 23years of lived faith experience, I have faced many a dreary winters, those inevitable dark nights of the soul kinda times and wondered out loud: “God where are you!? Why are you not here with me, I mean physically, be here do something… comfort me.” Perhaps you have felt that too? The deep longing to be held by something bigger than you?
One day I came home, carrying that all too familiar longing and took to my mat but nothing happened. No urge to move through the feelings, or flow through a vinyasa, no desire to peddle it out in my downward facing dog. I was alone and weary and all I wanted was to be held. I am 31 years old, and truly happily married, living happily (and messily) ever after; but again in the privacy of these words between us, I confess, there are still those secret spaces of myself that only God and I dare to tread. Private hurts and grievances ranging from petty to soul destroying, all the million little aches and inconveniences of what it means to be human, to be black, to be a woman and to be messy. I long to be held by Love. Most especially in those moments (full disclosure, I have a fair few a week). I long to know what it feels like to held in an ever lasting eternal embrace. To know physically and tangibly that I am deeply cared for, that everything will be ok, even if I don’t quite know how.
And so one day long after lock down and my impulse yoga prop purchases I found myself, a little empty and wounded just sitting on my mat with all my longing, heart open and aching. And with what could only be from divine inspiration, I took my little eye pillow and placed it over my heart. I needed to feel understood and held and in one simple gesture, I felt just that. The gentle weight of the pillow on my chest was what I needed to be, Gods hand on my heart a physical tangible moment between me and Him where I felt for the first time like I was not alone. Tears streamed freely down my face, even in the beauty of that sacred moment it was not lost on me the potential all my other props had. I quickly sat and grabbed my bolster and hugged it to my chest, I got my two blocks propped the bolster up and sank deep into my supported child’s pose coming to my Father in heaven like a child once again. Putting aside the pressure to be anything, just simply breathing, feeling held and supported. Met with compassion and comforted in all my exposing fear, shame, doubt and vulnerability. My heart posture mimicking that of my physical body. We all the know feeling of melting into a loved ones arms: whether it be our Dad, our housemate, our partner or our best friend, we all know the feeling of melting into the arms of someone who loves us and cares for us deeply. Someone who is intimately concerned with the trials and joys of our everyday life, no matter how trivial or overwhelming. We all know that feeling. All the tension oozing out of all your muscles with every inhale and exhale. Not needing to do, or be anything other than to be loved and held in those arms. Cheek to chest, belly to belly. Those kind of hugs reach down deep into the soul of a person and are almost redemptive in their healing restorative power.
In that quiet, sacred moment on my mat that day, it was as if I was held by God himself. Invisible God, somehow physically present with me. Cheek to chest, belly to belly. My yoga props have never been the same to me ever since.
Ennette is a yoga teacher based in Nottingham teaching Christ centred yoga in Beeston and through her own online yoga membership.
Find out more on the link below or follow her on Instagram